I was talking to the hubby the other night and was telling him how nervous I am (of course he knew that already- my stomach has been tore up for weeks). On one hand I can risk everything( success or death) at 35 and have this surgery or I can live trapped in this shell (that isn't really me) and possibly live until I'm 60 but have more health problems, limited mobility, and a GREATER potential for heart disease and stroke. My family history is riddled with both.
This is the see-saw that I ride.
I don't want to die from either scenario and definately not by my own hand. As far as I am concerned, doing nothing about it now creates the situation where my death happens because I have given up on myself. And I'm not going to. I have never given up on anyone else in my life, so why should I do that to myself? Doing nothing is no different that committing suicide. Its just slower and more torturous.
There are more reasons that health for me. I kinda have talked about a couple already. I want the possibilty of having kids. Children is another subject I go back and forth on. I don't really know if I would be a good mom or if I would even like kids (lol) but I would like to make that decision myself. I hate when I am told I can't do something, so when I was told years ago that I would probably never have children, I was mad. My doctor told me with PCOS, it is like my eggs try to play king of the mountain and because my hormones are out of whack, none of those eggs can break free for ovulation. Add the weight issue and things only get worse because fat cells are estrogen-loving cells, so the hormones I need(to be a girl)never reach where they should. This surgery is my only option.
Besides I have had names picked out for years and I want to use them!!!LOL
I also have the reasons that many may think are completely vain. But when you are the person taking up the most physical space in a room, and yet are completely invisible to those around you, you could never understand. Its probably hard for anyone that knows me to ever think I feel invisible but its true. When you are heavy its not just invisibilty and avoidance and haunts you, its the HYPER-awareness you always have. A continual reel of people staring and whispering (even if the conversation is not about you- you ALWAYS think it is). When you are fat and you walk into a room you have to go in hyper-fat girl mode. What I mean is you have to plan everything out, just as soon as you walk in. So this list starts playing in your head : Where can I sit where I can comfortably fit and I don't run the risk of breaking a chair? Are there any chairs or do I have to squeeze in a booth? If there are couches, are they so low to the ground that I will have a hard time getting up?, What route can I take to the bathroom where I can fit through the crowds without some part of my body getting in the way?
( Especially anxiety-causing when you are at a club with all of your skinny friends) Do I eat in front of these people (because they will be watching everything that goes into my mouth) or do I starve so people can say" I don't know how she is big, she never eats". EVERYTHING is a 3-ringed circus in your head, so yes I want this surgery to be thinner (not necessarily skinny, but at least normal) I want to shop in all of the stores, not just the fat girl stores. I want to be able to buy other things than accessories(or sometimes I pretend to be christmas shopping for someone just so I can look at the racks without being stared at) in normal girls stores. I want to be able to bend over, tie my shoes without struggling (one reason I wear flip flops year-round), paint my own toenails, pick something up out of the floorboard while sitting in a car, wear sleeveless shirts or a tank-top or better yet, a bathing suit. NEVER EVER wear capris again because I don't have to hide my legs. This list could go on and on but you get the picture. FREEDOM !!!
I am so ready.
I like mentally who I am (Strong-willed, smart, funny, spontaneous) but somethings gotta give on the physical.
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