Slacking on my blogs!!

So I again got into trouble with the blog police about not blogging so I figured since the computer system is down at work I will catch up. As far as the surgery is concerned I AM SOOOOOO stressed. I still have had no word on a surgery date. I called Monday to see what was going on and Jennifer(my insurance guru) said she had to send additional paperwork to the review committee. Apparently, the doctor switch is affecting lots of patients. 3 have even been denied. She said I had not been denied yet, so thats good.
What will I do if they deny me at the last minute. I will be so devastated. In addition to this delay, she is now saying that patients that started the process a couple of months before me are just now starting to get their surgeries. CCCRRRAAAAAPPPP!!!!!! That means it may now be in late October before they will get to me. It is so hard to stay positive. But on a positive note, I have completed a few paintings for the Annual Artist Walk Show. Its really exciting to be asked to participate in something like that. I hope people enjoy my work. I wish I could do something creative for my REAL job!! Billing blows!!! Managing is OK because I like being bossy..LOL But I could care less about others paying their bills! I can barely pay mine so it seems tacky for me to harrass others to pay theirs.. :)
Hopefully I will get some orders for paintings this weekend, it is getting close to Christmas. I revised the childrens book I wrote and illustrated and its now back on LULU.COM for purchase again. The lady that owns Peacock Ado boutique (she sells my paintings in her shop) is also going to be selling my book..YAYYYYY!!
Its kinda funny but when I am painting or doing something creative, it is the only time where I NEVER think of food and I am completely satisfied!!

Nothing yet :(

 I still haven't heard anything from the Bariatric center about my surgery date. This really sucks. I hope she calls by the end of the week. The waiting is really starting to get to me. But on a positive note, Jay and I joined the YMCA.

 Its only 2 blocks from the house, so its super convenient!! I have taken 2 water aerobic classes and one zumba in the two days we have had a membership. I really love it, but I need a new bathing suit because mine is in horrible shape. I hope the exercise will help, actually I know it will. For once I am excited about working out. Living in a town where I don't know anyone helps too. I have alot of freetime to spend at the gym. I was thinking today that I need to measure myself to help with the skinny tracking. So I'll get on that tonight and post the terrifying starting numbers. Well gotta go earn a paycheck, hopefully I will have something more interesting to say later.

Why the surgery?

I spent the weekend hanging out at my aunts house and we did ALOT of talking. I have had two aunts to have the lapband surgery, so I was telling her how everyones question to me always seems to be "Why the gastric bypass?" Funny thing is, you would think that would be the easiest thing to answer once you make this choice but its really not. There are SOOOOO many reasons, and not all of them support a life/death situation. Lets just be honest! 
I was talking to the hubby the other night and was telling him how nervous I am (of course he knew that already- my stomach has been tore up for weeks). On one hand I can risk everything( success or death) at 35 and have this surgery or I can live trapped in this shell (that isn't really me) and possibly live until I'm 60 but have more health problems, limited mobility, and a GREATER potential for heart disease and stroke. My family history is riddled with both. 
This is the see-saw that I ride.

 I don't want to die from either scenario and definately not by my own hand. As far as I am concerned, doing nothing about it now creates the situation where my death happens because I have given up on myself. And I'm not going to. I have never given up on anyone else in my life, so why should I do that to myself? Doing nothing is no different that committing suicide. Its just slower and more torturous. 
There are more reasons that health for me. I kinda have talked about a couple already. I want the possibilty of having kids. Children is another subject I go back and forth on. I don't really know if I would be a good mom or if I would even like kids (lol) but I would like to make that decision myself. I hate when I am told I can't do something, so when I was told years ago that I would probably never have children, I was mad. My doctor told me with PCOS, it is like my eggs try to play king of the mountain and because my hormones are out of whack, none of those eggs can break free for ovulation. Add the weight issue and things only get worse because fat cells are estrogen-loving cells, so the hormones I need(to be a girl)never reach where they should. This surgery is my only option.
 Besides I have had names picked out for years and I want to use them!!!LOL
I also have the reasons that many may think are completely vain. But when you are the person taking up the most physical space in a room, and yet are completely invisible to those around you, you could never understand. Its probably hard for anyone that knows me to ever think I feel invisible but its true. When you are heavy its not just invisibilty and avoidance and haunts you, its the HYPER-awareness you always have. A continual reel of people staring and whispering (even if the conversation is not about you- you ALWAYS think it is). When you are fat and you walk into a room you have to go in hyper-fat girl mode. What I mean is you have to plan everything out, just as soon as you walk in. So this list starts playing in your head : Where can I sit where I can comfortably fit and I don't run the risk of breaking a chair? Are there any chairs or do I have to squeeze in a booth? If there are couches, are they so low to the ground that I will have a hard time getting up?, What route can I take to the bathroom where I can fit through the crowds without some part of my body getting in the way?

( Especially anxiety-causing when you are at a club with all of your skinny friends) Do I eat in front of these people (because they will be watching everything that goes into my mouth) or do I starve so people can say" I don't know how she is big, she never eats". EVERYTHING is a 3-ringed circus in your head, so yes I want this surgery to be thinner (not necessarily skinny, but at least normal) I want to shop in all of the stores, not just the fat girl stores. I want to be able to buy other things than accessories(or sometimes I pretend to be christmas shopping for someone just so I can look at the racks without being stared at) in normal girls stores. I want to be able to bend over, tie my shoes without struggling (one reason I wear flip flops year-round), paint my own toenails, pick something up out of the floorboard while sitting in a car, wear sleeveless shirts or a tank-top or better yet, a bathing suit. NEVER EVER wear capris again because I don't have to hide my legs. This list could go on and on but you get the picture. FREEDOM !!!
I am so ready.
I like mentally who I am (Strong-willed, smart, funny, spontaneous) but somethings gotta give on the physical.

Yay.. its friday!!

Well i was reprimanded last night by my little sister for not blogging daily, so I'll try to be better boss lady. She suggested different things I should write about. So I am going to take her suggestions and start with this one:

Top Ten Things I want to do after my surgery(and significant weight loss)

10. Fly in a plane comfortably!!! (A trip to Greece or India, maybe to teach abroad)

9. Run a half marathon.

8. Roller Coasters, roller coasters, roller coasters!!!

7. Attempt Yoga and Pilates.

6. Wear a FAN-freaking tastic white suit.(unbelievable amounts of shopping is a given)

5. Embrace my inner girl and stop hiding in V-neck t-shirts and jeans.

4. Sit indian style on the floor and be able to cross my legs (never have been able to do either)

3. Take a girls only trip SOMEWHERE with the women in my life that have always loved me at any size!!

2. Remarry my husband, in a real wedding, in a real wedding dress, preferably on a beach.

1. Give myself permission to have the courage for anything. (Time to quit being afraid because of the way I look).. If I fail it will be because I am not good enough not because of my pant size.
So look out Disney, here I come.

These goals may change or be altered a bit.. but its all really about one thing:
 I WANT TO REALLY LIVE IN THE SUNLIGHT AND NOT IN THE SHADOWS

... and yes I will eventually answer the question to why I am doing this, maybe this list will give you a little insight.

Still Waiting

Yep. still waiting on the phone call that puts the X in my date book. All this waiting is driving me nuts. I have so much stuff I want to plan out but I can't until I have a surgery date. I really would like to go down home to have a "last meal" party with everyone before I have to start shrinking my liver for surgery(sounds nice huh). Speaking of liver, no more alcohol for quite some time. Cheapest drunk ever. Not saying I drink alot but I have a tendency to make up for dry spells.LOL  I have started to have surgery dreams already. And I have had a couple of skinny dreams too, but I never get to see what I look like. I am really nervous about what I will look like. I don't think I scare small children now with my looks but i hope I actually am pretty( to me). Tired of looking in the mirror and seeing Grimace the Menaces profile. I definately plan to have plastic surgery on certain areas if its needed. I figure if I go through all of this, I don't want to literally carry around the baggage anymore. I'm trying to wrap my head around the one question everyone keeps asking me, "Why gastric bypass?" Maybe I can answer that next time.

Lets Play Catch Up

I started the process April 26,2011; the gastric bypass surgery process that is. My weight roller coaster started years ago. So I guess I will start by catching you up on the surgery facts thus far. I have had psychological evaluations (insert joke here), a sleep study, a 3 month tracked diet (lost a few, yay), and cardiac clearance.Yes, even I have a heart. So far so good. BTW my cholesterol is 115!!! Only my cells contain fat, apparently my veins and arteries didn't want any part of it. Luckily I have a job where my employer is paying all of my Cobra benefits from my last job so I can have this surgery. Yay me.

 DOCTOR FIASCO:  I started with the understanding that my doctor was going to be Dr. Sonnastine @ Georgetown Hospital in Georgetown, KY but he decided to leave the practice and move to Ohio. Oh well, next surgeon on list, Jason Rassmussen, again short-lived. My insurance coordinator called me a couple of weeks ago to tell me to lose 8 more pounds so he would feel comfortable doing the surgery. Apparently at that point he was not completely comfortable with doing gastric bypasses (not a good sign). Then last Thursday, Jennifer called back to ask me if I would like to switch, yet again, to a different doc. Dr. R woke up one day last week and cancelled all of his gastric bypass cases. He will only do lap band and gastric sleeves. This brings us to the 3rd and hopefully final doc, Dr. Weiss. Pretty excited though, he returned to this location last week and I have already heard nothing but stellar things about him!! He would have been my first choice anyway.
 
At this point you probably want to know my stats, maybe just out of morbid curiosity, or maybe you want to know if you can "relate". Well either way, its none of your damn business, but I'll tell you anyway. Besides, I like to be the center of conversation so if these numbers put me at your dinner table or in your text messages, so be it. Here goes:
Ht: 5'5 ( yes Tootie the Dr. measured this..lol)
wt: beginning of 3month diet 317lbs
      as of today : 302 lbs
BMI: 51% yes I am twice the woman I should be
GOAL 150 lbs or a size 9ish , currently I am a size Jumbo

I have PCOS (defective plumbing), thyroid disease(aka "who needs energy and where did this hair come from disease", and diabetes(I knew I was sweet). Because of my PCOS, I have never been able to have children. This surgery may be my only chance at that. For a long time I thought God was punishing me for those times (as a stupid kid/teen/young adult, lol) I would wake up after yet another awe-inspiring indiscretion and "pray".. It went something like this: "God ,please don't let me be pregnant and I will NEVVEERRR do that again". OOPs  Ask and you shall receive. I may never get to have children but I want to live life. There are so many things I have put off or not done because of my weight, and that time is over.
I will put up pics eventually, especially when the skinny commences!!!

I hope people find insight, humor and maybe a little inspiration from my nonsense. Here's to the future.